Summoning Peeves
by Clayin
Summary: What do Muggle books, weird looks, stupid looking glasses, random conversations, and dungeons mean? Why, the creation of PEEVES! (Cue ominous music)


Disclaimers: The Marauders, Hogwarts, Dumbledore, Peeves, pretty much EVERYTHING in this story doesn't belong to me, because I am NOT J. K. Rowling.  
  
Summary: What do Muggle books, weird looks, stupid looking glasses, random conversations, and dungeons mean? Why, the creation of PEEVES! (Cue ominous music)  
  
Summoning Peeves  
  
Deep within the dungeons of Hogwarts, many secrets are whispered and lost deep into the shadows. Few people enter the dark tunnels, and fewer care to explore them – especially after dark. Which made the dungeons a perfect place for the midnight marauding of James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. Sirius's voice broke the silence as the four troublemakers entered their chosen room.  
  
"Once again, Remus, I am astounded at the things your mind comes up with at times." Remus hit him over the head with a cushion.  
  
"Shut up, Sirius. My ideas are interesting."  
  
"And hair-brained." James said, rolling his eyes and pushing his glasses up on his nose. "So a bunch of Muggles supposedly made a table jump around. It doesn't mean that you can summon a poltergeist like that."  
  
"You shut up too, James. I don't need to hear it from you." Remus added.  
  
"I think we should summon it into James's glasses." Peter said cheerfully from his perch on a chair. He lunged forward and clapped his hands over Sirius's eyes. "Attack of Stupid-Looking Possessed Glasses!" he roared. James glared as Sirius pretended to scream in abject terror.  
  
"My glasses are not stupid-looking!" he whined. "Stop teasing me!"  
  
"Aww, did ickle Jamesy-wamsy miss his nap?" Sirius asked.  
  
"They are too." Remus replied. "Very stupid looking."  
  
"No they aren't!" James wailed, pitching several objects at his friends. Being that he was friends with Remus, Sirius and Peter, they promptly began flinging things back at him.  
  
The ensuing fight lasted until almost midnight.  
  
  
  
"Come on, Sirius, I figured out what I did wrong last time." James said in frustration, glaring at his best friend who was holding him at wand point.  
  
"Never again!" Sirius growled, shaking his head and making his shaggy black hair fly around his head in a dark halo. "The last time you tried to heal one of my cuts, I wound up as a purple and orange frog the size of a four- poster bed! You stay away from me!"  
  
"It was funny, though." Peter interrupted thoughtfully.  
  
"Shut up." James and Sirius told him.  
  
"All of you shut up and sit down." Remus said. "It's almost midnight, and that's the best time for summoning ghosts and stuff."  
  
"Says who?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Muggles, idiot." James replied. "It's not called "the witching hour" for nothing."  
  
"Hey, I'm a pure-blood whose parents hate muggles. I don't know these things." Sirius replied, making a face. The four boys sat down at the circular table and looked expectantly at Remus.  
  
"So, what do we do next?" James asked.  
  
"Err…" Remus looked around. "It needs a name. Any name, a made up one."  
  
"Godric Gryffindor." James suggested promptly. Sirius snorted.  
  
"Prankster ghost, James." He said. "I sincerely doubt Godric Gryffindor was a prankster."  
  
"It's a cool name though." James replied.  
  
"For someone responsible." Sirius retorted. "I say go with something funny. Chudley Cannon for example."  
  
"They'll get better!" James cried, loyally defending his favorite team. "When I'm on the team, the Chudley Cannons will rule the world!"  
  
"And then will promptly loose disgracefully to the Falmouth Falcons because even your Quidditch skills can't save them." Sirius retorted.  
  
"I think we should name it Czapeski." Peter interrupted before James and Sirius started another fight about Quidditch. The other three turned to him with weird looks on their faces.  
  
"Cha-bla-wa?" Sirius asked.  
  
"How about not." James said, arching an eyebrow.  
  
"Why Czapeski?" Remus asked. Peter blushed.  
  
"Well, over the summer I met this cute girl from the states named Emily Czapeski." He said, looking a bit embarrassed. Flinging the notion of naming their non-existent poltergeist into a corner in favor of this new bit of trivia, the other three crowded around asking questions.  
  
"Did you get her address?"  
  
"Have you owled her?"  
  
"Is she a witch?"  
  
"Does she have a friend you could hook me up with?"  
  
"You did actually talk to her, right? You didn't sulk around behind her and pick of bits and pieces of information?" Peter sank back into his chair.  
  
"Yeah, she's a witch. I introduced myself, and we were talking together and were having a great time until we wandered into the girl's toilet." Peter hid his bright red face in his hands as James, Sirius and Remus tried not to laugh.  
  
"Oh, poor Petey." Sirius managed to choke out before he had to stuff his fist into his mouth to stifle the sniggers. Remus coughed several times before he regained his composure, and James was grinning broadly behind his hands. They sat down and returned to the previous conversation.  
  
"Francis?"  
  
"Yuck."  
  
"You're right on that one. Steve?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Not happening. Snuffles?"  
  
"We're not naming him after your teddy-bear, Remus."  
  
"I don't sleep with a teddy-bear!"  
  
"Then what was it that you were hugging last night?"  
  
"It was a pillow. A PILLOW."  
  
"You name your pillows? Weird."  
  
"This is coming from a guy that chooses to wear stupid looking glasses."  
  
"They do NOT look stupid! Stop saying my glasses look stupid!"  
  
"He has lousy taste in Quidditch teams too."  
  
"Shut up, Sirius!"  
  
"We've gotten off subject again."  
  
"Thank you, Peter. Pest."  
  
"Am not!"  
  
"No, I'm not calling you a pest, I'm suggesting that for a name."  
  
"Oh. Okay then."  
  
"Don't like it. Snape."  
  
"EEEEEEWWWWW!"  
  
"YUCK!"  
  
"That would be cruel to the poltergeist!"  
  
"Very. James, you're horrible to even suggest it. Nudnik."  
  
"Hey, I like that one – no wait! I have one!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"The best name of all for a poltergeist! The one! The only!"  
  
"Cut the dramatic Fwooper poop and get on with it."  
  
"Fine then. Peeves!"  
  
James, Remus and Peter looked at Sirius. Sirius looked down at them from where he was standing on his chair. The other three exchanged looks.  
  
"Sirius, get off that chair before you break it." James said finally.  
  
"Yes, mum." Sirius replied sarcastically, sitting down. Peter crossed his arms.  
  
"I like Nudnik better." He whined.  
  
"Is that even a word?" James asked.  
  
"Nudnik is slang for an obtuse, boring or bothersome person, and a synonym for pest." Remus said. It was his turn to get weird stares. "I believe that's another point to the King of Trivia." He added, sitting back with a smug grin.  
  
"The Geek of Trivia is more like it." James replied. "I say it's a toss-up between Nudnik and Peeves." He pulled out his wand and transfigured a lint ball from his pocket into a beetle. The other three gave him weird looks.  
  
"James." Sirius said slowly, as if explaining to a very stupid child. "People usually flip coins to make decisions. Not beetles."  
  
"I don't know how to make a coin, okay?" James snapped, looking embarrassed. "So we're flipping a beetle. It's dead anyway. Peter, you call it." he flipped it into the air.  
  
"Uh…legs!" Peter said. James caught it and slapped it down on his arm. Remus snorted.  
  
"Intelligent, James. Now it's squashed on your arm."  
  
"Nincompoop." Sirius said affectionately.  
  
"Nudnik." Peter replied, grinning at the use of a new vocabulary word. James made a face and lifted his hand.  
  
"It looks like its shell up." He said, peering closely at the squished insect on his arm. "So we're naming it Peeves."  
  
"Wahoo!" Sirius cheered. The four boys settled around the table again.  
  
"So, what does your muggle book say about summoning poltergeists?" Peter asked. Remus pulled it out of his pocket.  
  
"Umm, it says that they just talked to the table and joked around like it was actually going to respond." He said. Sirius rolled his eyes.  
  
"That's it?" he asked. "Hell, I've talked to walls all my life and never once developed a poltergeist."  
  
"You talked to walls?" James snickered. Sirius stuck out his tongue.  
  
"I have a very active imagination." He said stiffly. "And walls make better friends then Potters."  
  
"Ooh, that had to sting." Peter laughed. James stuck out his tongue at Sirius.  
  
"You're stupid."  
  
"Well, you're ugly."  
  
"And you're both nudniks." Remus interrupted. "Let's get on with the summoning."  
  
"Sir, yes sir!" James barked, saluting.  
  
"Yes Professor Lupin." Sirius added, rolling his eyes. Peter squeaked and covered his eyes.  
  
"Can you imagine one of us as a professor?" he asked. "Absolutely bonkers."  
  
"Pranks 101." James added, pounding the table. "Or Ghost Summoning."  
  
"Defense Against the Dark Arts." Remus chortled. "One of us per year."  
  
"Killing Death Eaters." Sirius said, grinning wolfishly.  
  
"TURTLES!" Peter screamed.  
  
"Shhh!" the other three hissed.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"No problem, Pete."  
  
"I still say that the Chudley Cannons can't play worth a Slytherin's salt."  
  
"The Cannons are better then the Falmouth Falcons!"  
  
"In your dreams, Potter."  
  
  
  
"Wait." Remus said, smacking himself on the forehead. "We need to decide what he looks like."  
  
"Wicked little eyes." James said promptly.  
  
"Short." Peter added.  
  
"Orange bow tie." Sirius said, earning strange looks.  
  
"Curly-toed shoes." Remus said, nodding importantly, pulling out a piece of parchment and scribbling frantically. The other three crowded around, adding ideas.  
  
"No, smaller nose, Remus, make the nose smaller."  
  
"Make the mouth a little wider."  
  
"Should it have hair? What about a beard?"  
  
"Hell no, erase the beard."  
  
"Ack, that looks like Snape, change it quick!"  
  
"Write "Chudley Cannon" on his forehead, it'll make him look stupider."  
  
"That's it, you're dead, Sirius!"  
  
"Ha! You can't do anything to me! I'm king of the world – oof!"  
  
"What do you think, Peter?" Remus asked, holding the parchment up for Peter's inspection, ignoring the brawling boys behind him. Peter nodded.  
  
"Very nice. Very poltergeist-y, I suppose. Shouldn't we break them up before they break something?"  
  
"Oh, fine, I suppose." Remus sighed, and kicked the whirl of fists and feet. "James! Sirius! Behave!"  
  
"NO!" James and Sirius chorused, glaring at him.  
  
"Come on, we need to work on the poltergeist, and we can't do that with you two flailing all over the place like rabid monkeys." Remus chided. Sirius sat up, extracting his foot from James's stomach.  
  
"Just how to rabid monkeys flail about?" he asked, interestedly.  
  
"I wish I was the greatest Quaffle that ever lived." James sighed distractedly. The other three didn't comment, knowing their Quidditch- obsessed friend as well as they did.  
  
"This is the poltergeist." Remus said, showing them the picture. "What do you think?"  
  
"Sure." Sirius said. "He looks like a Peeves."  
  
"He looks like ink lines on parchment." James said seriously. Sirius smacked him. "I hate you, Sirius."  
  
"But I love you!" Sirius sang.  
  
"I wonder what it's like to be a slice of cheese." Peter mused. Remus bonked his head on the table.  
  
"I wonder what it's like to have friends that are sane."  
  
"Not like us, that's for sure."  
  
  
  
"This isn't working." Peter yawned, looking at his watch. "I wanna go to sleep."  
  
"Me too." Sirius said, propping his feet up on the table. "Remus, how long do we have to do this?"  
  
"Well, the people in the book met every week for a couple months…" Remus said, trailing off into a yawn.  
  
"A couple months!" James squawked. "There's no way I'm doing this for a couple months."  
  
"Same here." Sirius said. "Remus, ol' pal, let's just let sleeping ghosts lie."  
  
"One more thing I want to try first." Remus said, pulling out his wand. "Everyone, point your wand and the table and say, "Accio Peeves the Poltergeist"." This earned him one of the weirdest looks of all night.  
  
"You're kidding." Sirius said finally. "You want us to use a Summoning Charm on a non-existent poltergeist? Remus, I think those monthly transformations have mangled your brain."  
  
"Well, it's a Summoning Charm and we're trying to summon the ghost." Remus explained, sounding a bit testy. "If it doesn't work, we can go to bed."  
  
"But what if it does work?" Peter asked, yawning as the other three stood up.  
  
"Then I will be very surprised." Remus retorted. He poked the table with his wand, creating a red dot. "Aim for the dot and concentrate really hard on what he looks like. One…two…three!"  
  
"Accio Peeves the Poltergeist!" all four boys cried, pointing their wands at the center of the table. There was a bright flash of light that left glowing spots in their vision.  
  
"I think we did something wrong." Sirius said, rubbing his eyes frantically. "The Summoning Charm isn't supposed to do that."  
  
"Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god." Peter squeaked, staring up at the ceiling. "Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god." Confused, the other three looked up at the ceiling. James swore and Remus blanched.  
  
"Hiya Baron." Sirius said cheerfully, waving at the Slytherin ghost. "What brings you here on this lovely night?" the Bloody Baron stared at the boys and calmly pointed at the table. The four boys stepped back, holding up their wands in defense. The spot on the table was pulsing with a weird, ghostly light. As one, James, Sirius and Peter looked at Remus.  
  
"Is it supposed to do that?" James asked. Remus opened and closed his mouth silently, like a goldfish.  
  
"This is bad, isn't it?" Sirius asked. The Bloody Baron floated down from the ceiling and looked at the light with disdain. Reaching out a translucent hand, he picked it up and held it up to his face. Disgustedly, he dropped it through the table. The table blew up.  
  
  
  
"We are in such deep trouble." James said slowly, staring at the door to the headmaster's office. "We're gonna get expelled or suspended or something."  
  
"I can't believe it worked!" Remus said, shaking his head. "It shouldn't have worked! If it was that easy, everyone would be doing it!" Peter was silent, his eyes round as coins and his mouth hanging open like a knot hold in a piece of wood. Sirius was laughing a not-quite-sane laugh. At least he seemed to be enjoying himself. The door opened, and Professor Connelly, the Potions teacher entered, followed by Headmaster Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall. Dumbledore sat down at his desk and looked at the four boys. He opened his mouth to say something, but James jumped up.  
  
"Professor, it's my fault!" he blurted. "I'm the leader, and it's my job to make sure we don't do stupid things like this, so if there's any blame, it should be mine."  
  
"No!" Remus said, jumping to his own feet. "It was my idea, professor, I found it in this Muggle book, and I thought it would be fun, so it's all my fault, all the blame is mine."  
  
"I didn't do anything!" Peter cried, finally getting his voice back. "It wasn't my idea, I wasn't helping, I was just in the room-"  
  
"Professor, it's my fault!"  
  
"No, it's mine! If I hadn't found that book-"  
  
"I believe I share Mr. Black's sentiments on the matter." Dumbledore interrupted loudly. The other three stopped talking and looked at Sirius, who promptly toppled out of his chair laughing. Looking confused and rather relieved, they sank back down into their chairs. Dumbledore smiled. "I'm very interested to know how you four managed to create a poltergeist, so that, at the very least, I can prevent it from happening again in the future.  
  
"Umm." Remus said. "We're not exactly sure how we did it either. It was sort of a mix between the information in this book," he pulled the book out of his pocket and set it on Dumbledore's desk. "And other stuff, like a summoning charm and the Bloody Baron might have had something to do with it."  
  
"Fascinating." Dumbledore said. "Now, at the risk of sounding condescending, what did we learn from this?"  
  
"Never ever attempt to create poltergeists in a school of magic." James said promptly.  
  
"Muggle stuff should not be mixed with magical stuff when doing something that could possibly be dangerous." Remus added.  
  
"It's not called "the witching hour" for nothing." Peter muttered. Sirius levered himself back into his seat.  
  
"Creating a noisy ghost after hours with most definitely get you sent to the headmaster's office." He said decidedly. "And teamwork. Can't forget teamwork." Dumbledore laughed.  
  
"Very wise, I'm sure." He said, his eyes twinkling. "I'll do some research and see if it's possible to get rid of this "noisy ghost", and I'll leave your punishment in the hands of Professor McGonagall." He stood up, looking thoughtful. "Though maybe adding Peeves to our ghostly assembly might add a little more interest. Hmm." He stopped in the doorway. "And if it's not possible to remove the poltergeist, you four will have left an impressive legacy for your fellow students. Bravo, young pranksters, bravo."  
  
A/N: Well, I'm sure that we can ALL guess how the attempted removal of Peeves the Poltergeist turned out… 


End file.
